 
Richard_bak
Member
Username: Richard_bak
Post Number: 360
Registered: 04-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 2:15 pm: |    |
(Note: I originally posted this in the "White men with big feet" thread, but I think it might deserve its own thread.)
Jeez, I didn't realize my "Tripod" comment would get such a reaction. Since it's lunch time and I need a break, let me expand (so to speak) a little on its origin.
I'm not in the habit of writing or talking about men's genitalia, but Tripod was a real person. When I was in boot camp many years ago, there was a goober from the hills of Kentucky who was absolutely the dumbest SOB ever born. A tall, lanky white guy, with hooded eyes, hooked nose, and a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow. He gave off the kind of in-bred vibes of some of the backwoods characters Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight encountered in "Deliverance." He was good-natured enough, but could barely construct an intelligible sentence. I don't know how he even signed his enlistment contract. But this was in the waning days of Vietnam and recruiters in all branches were under pressure to get their assigned quota of recruits. It didn't matter that it was pretty obvious this guy would be a "non-hacker," part of the 20% or so of all recruits who typically wash out of a Marine boot camp.
For those who have seen "Full Metal Jacket" and marveled over R. Lee Ermey's performance as the D.I. from hell, I can tell you from personal experience that he and Stanley Kubrik had it 98% accurate, from the language to the impromptu smack to the jaw and kick to the groin. When one recruit fucked up, the rest of us "fucking unorganized grab-assistic pieces of amphibian shit" paid for it. And, just like in the film, our platoon---platoon 1038---had our "Gomer Pyle," the aforementioned stupidest SOB on the planet.
I spent two nervous weeks next to Gomer at the rifle range. Every day on the firing line I lived in fear that this would be the day he would for some stupid, unexplained reason casually swing the barrel of his M-14 around at me and, with the safety off and the weapon on full automatic, accidentally squeeze the trigger and make swiss cheese out of me, a couple rifle instructors, and a half-dozen recruits.
It was while we were at the range at Camp Pendleton that I got my first real look at Gomer. Along with 80 other guys given the standard 2 minutes to shit, shower, and shave, I was soaping down like crazy, oblivious to everything while trying to muscle my way under one of the four or five underperforming showerheads when one guy nudged me. He raised his eyebrows as if to say, "Look at that." (Recruits weren't allowed to "grab ass," that is, talk to each other.) What? I'm thinking. I looked around through the steam and bodies and then I saw what he was referring to. Gomer, blithely sudsing himself up, had what appeared to be a third arm growing out of his nether regions. Guys don't look at other guys, especially in boot camp, where you would be immediately accused of being "queer for my gear" and suffer the consequences. It's akin to people in a crowded elevator, everybody avoiding eye contact. But it really was astounding. Gomer's member practically reached the top of his knee. And it was at ease, so to speak, not at attention. "Jeezus," I thought, marveling over the sheer freakishness of it all. It was like suddenly discovering your dad had webbed feet. The first thing that came to mind---us being up at the range and all---was that Gomer in his natural state kind of resembled a tripod. I dubbed him "Tripod" after that.
The name didn't stick. (Probably a bit too homoerotic to use in this particular setting.) To all he remained Gomer, a total fuck-up. As everybody knew would happen, he was soon told to empty his foot locker and was sent packing---where he wound up, I have no idea. He had no skills, no brains, no real family that any of us could tell. I later heard he was spotted here and there in some of the sleazier parts of Southern California, as well as Tijuana (which is entirely sleazy), made even more stupid (if that was possible) by drink. Given his only obvious asset, I always halfway assumed he drifted into porn, but who knows. For all I know he's working tent shows in the Mexican countryside, billed as "The Incredible Man-Snake" or something like that. I hadn't thought of that guy for years until I responded to this thread.
So, kids, that's the story of ol' Tripod, the would-be jarhead with the swingingest dick this side of Kentucky. Another inch or two and that thing would've had its own zip code.
(Message edited by richard_bak on August 13, 2008) |
Johnlodge
Member
Username: Johnlodge
Post Number: 8171
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 2:23 pm: | |
Another stellar post, Mr. Bak. Hilarious. |
Eriedearie
Member
Username: Eriedearie
Post Number: 2725
Registered: 08-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 3:36 pm: | |
Funny story Richard - AND you preserved my original image of what a "Tripod" might resemble. I was worried that somehow during your story you would quash that!
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Richard_bak
Member
Username: Richard_bak
Post Number: 363
Registered: 04-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 4:17 pm: | |
Oh, for the record----I'm straight, if it matters for the sake of this story. Married for 32 years to my high school sweetie. And, no, she doesn't call me Dick. |
Gannon
Member
Username: Gannon
Post Number: 13751
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 4:48 pm: | |
LOL, great story, Richard.
Sorry for the inference in that other thread.
Just more proof that the One Who Makes Us always has some accommodation when we're found deficient in some areas...heh. This is almost like the beauty/brains balance in some women...although I know I'll take a boatload of shit over that comment!
(gimme a tidy librarian or teacher over a supermodel any day...or any lifetime...)
Cheers! |
Sean_of_detroit
Member
Username: Sean_of_detroit
Post Number: 1463
Registered: 03-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 7:06 pm: | |
No resource, just like Detroit. Also, just like Detroit, it creates true beauty for the one who endured the rejections.
They depend on their appearance to get them through life. They turn themselves into objects, not us men (IMO). We just react to appearance and actions.
The problem with this is that they (like most) do not understand the games in life. They will be used and discarded. But beauty and youth are a weak foundation. Nothing is forever (like the idiot jock who gets hurt playing in high school).
She (or sometimes he) will end up all alone, or all alone with a few kids... waiting for someone to save them. Basically, they end up like the Mother in 8 Mile. They pretty ones who do make it, learned that there looks aren't usable in the beginning. They have to work hard and play smart to get to the point we see them as. Beauty can only be used once they have gotten to a certain point.
Beauty just isn't dependable. |
Django
Member
Username: Django
Post Number: 1645
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 7:34 pm: | |
Great story. Were you in VietNam Bak?
I had a horrifying exp, years ago working as a bouncer in Ann Arbor. I had to frisk everyone for weapons. While patting down this tall older black man I encountered his member just above the knee. I jumped back as calmly as possible, kept my eyes to the floor and said "your good, NEXT". I felt sorry for his wife, LOL. |
Bigb23
Member
Username: Bigb23
Post Number: 2423
Registered: 11-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 8:34 pm: | |
Great story, Richard. (I'm ex- navy from your era.)
Derek "Smalls" from Spinal Tap. Anybody who has seen the movie knows what he is packing.
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Kathinozarks
Member
Username: Kathinozarks
Post Number: 1383
Registered: 11-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 8:50 pm: | |
I wish I could've known Tripod. *snicker* |
Tkierpiec
Member
Username: Tkierpiec
Post Number: 109
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 9:10 pm: | |
Show-ers versus grow-ers. 
I've heard those tripod dudes look "impressive" but what you see is pretty much all you get ... it just pretty much hangs there. Whereas, the grow-ers end up with much more to work with in the long run.
It's not enough I find myself wandering into these threads but I also feel compelled to write something for some strange reason..... ;)
Carry on. |
Django
Member
Username: Django
Post Number: 1647
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 - 9:26 pm: | |
Tkierpiec, Interesting theory.
Bak. Im glad you were not there for the war. What a stupid engagement. Just so happens My Pop was KIA in Vietnam 39 yrs ago today.
Please, no posts of anything about my Pop. Just a weird coincidence and I felt I should say something in his memory. |
Sean_of_detroit
Member
Username: Sean_of_detroit
Post Number: 1478
Registered: 03-2008
| | Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 - 10:50 pm: | |
Wait. Why is this in the Connect section again?
I don't think DYES is THAT kind of website. LOL! |
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