  Tponetom Member Username: Tponetom Post Number: 215 Registered: 06-2007 |
The Mistress The mystery of my Mistress was, is, and always will be, how it ever got started. I did not go looking for a mistress. The circumstance that precipitated our association is a total blank to me. I do not know where she came from or how we got together. One sudden day, she was just there. It was, in the beginning, a very unique, even bizarre relationship. She was older than I, but I did not know that in the beginning. She was young and fresh and glorious in appearance. In all of our years together she has never once failed to be there for me. Though always visible and nearby, she kept a low profile, never betraying the intimacy that we shared. In the early years of our relationship there were long periods of time when I had no need of her and there was never a complaint from her. She awaited, patiently, in the wings, for my beckon. In the beginning there was no form of love involved, just respect. Many years later that respect would evolve to great admiration and a special kind of love or more correctly, a need. She made no demands of me or my time. She was content just to serve. I did provide her with a certain amount of security. At times I did provide some cosmetic surgery for her but that was at my insistence, not hers. Despite the surgery her external beauty did fade but her inner qualities never once faltered. She is as dependable and competent today as she was 60 years ago when I first touched her. She has accepted the ravages of aging extremely well. In her youth she was somewhat stiff and unyielding but the years have mellowed her and she became flexible and soft to the touch, albeit wrinkled and a bit threadbare. Two years ago I decided my Mistress deserved respite. I thought it would be the proper thing to let her retire gracefully and let her rest, if not always by my side, then somewhere close. I do not mean that I was going to abandon her. Never that! I would never harm her in that manner or any other way. I would always need her presence. Of a sudden, a profound thought struck me. Perhaps she has a sibling? Preferably a younger one who could provide not only companionship to her, but who could also service me whenever such service was needed. I had not a clue to her heritage. I would not settle for anything less than blood kin. I began looking for her family tree. At that time I was only dabbling in the Internet, not fully aware of the vast resources available for researching people, places and things. I had her name so I followed what I thought to be, a more direct source. Other than her name, I had scant personal information. I compiled the paltry notes that I had garnered during our long relationship and began my search. I had high hopes of discovery when I mailed the following letter. It took a couple of days to write it. I tried to put enough humanity into it in order to elicit a humane response. THE LETTER (To be continued) | ||
Gazhekwe Member Username: Gazhekwe Post Number: 1417 Registered: 08-2007 |
Waiting with bated breath for the next installment.... | ||
Eriedearie Member Username: Eriedearie Post Number: 769 Registered: 08-2007 |
Ditto! | ||
East_detroit Member Username: East_detroit Post Number: 1478 Registered: 11-2003 |
I was thinking an automobile until toward the end. Hmmm. Interesting as always. | ||
Jams Member Username: Jams Post Number: 7609 Registered: 10-2003 |
Please, please don't wait until the next season to conclude this cliffhanger. | ||
Tponetom Member Username: Tponetom Post Number: 216 Registered: 06-2007 |
 4. THE LETTER May 28, 1997 Attention: Messieurs Funk & Wagnalls TESTIMONIAL OR EULOGY? Dear Sirs: For the last few years now, I have toyed with the idea of soliciting your help about a problem that has been bothering me. The problem is neither earth shaking nor mind boggling. It is simply a matter of identification, and hopefully, location. I have a friend whose heritage evades me. This friend has served me well for many years. Approximately fifty, I would guess. This friend is in a state of imminent collapse. The friend is tattered and battered, worn and torn, but never scorned. She is still, and always will be, the majestical flagship of my floating library. That is the one that I carry with me when I travel. (Hence the lousy metaphor.) The allusion is, of course, to my good old trusty Funk and Wagnalls College Standard Dictionary. Circa 1940 something? Sadly, the page with the publishing information has been missing forever and when I tried to locate a new copy I could not give the pertinent data to any book vendor. For identification purposes I can only offer the following: The title is as I mentioned above. It is a single volume with 1309 pages. After opening the front cover there is a blank flyleaf, then two pages that had been torn out which must have contained the publishing information I am seeking. Then there is a two-page introduction chapter followed by an eight-page “Explanation” chapter. Then a 22-page chapter containing the 1940 census statistics. Then two pages of Special Explanatory Notes. Regarding the age of my friend, I know from the Census figures of 1940 it had to be printed after that year. Also, the book was in my possession in l945 because on that first flyleaf, I had drawn a heart (yes with an arrow through it) with the initials, T.O. and M. K. That was my senior year in high school. As I write this letter, M.K. is in the other room wondering what kind of a tangent I am off on now. Once, many years ago, she asked me what I would do if I had to make a choice between her and my F & W? In my best Jack Benny style I told her, I’M THINKING, I’M THINKING! But I digress. The joy of this very special book starts on page one with the letter “A.” It illustrates four examples of the upper and lower cases of the letter, “a,” using four different fonts, including, Roman, Black Letter, Script and Revised Scientific. On the same page are five more illustrations including an “aalii,” a “Cape Aardvark,” an “aardwolf,” an “abacus,” and a “polygonal abacus.” Now I ask you, where oh where are you going to find excitement like that in a modern day dictionary. ? Some descriptions can be measured by the inches of column space they occupy. The word, “heterogonous,” takes up a full nine inches, as does the word, “free.” 5. The etymology, pronunciation and grammatical references, usage nuances and a plethora of synonyms and antonyms makes this Funk & Wagnalls a story book instead of just another dry reference text. I have a three-volume Webster’s Third International Dictionary. It has far more entries including the technical and esoteric terms that could not possibly be included in my “friend.” But it does not have the lyricism or magnetism that keeps pulling you in, to browse just one more entry or one more page. The front and rear covers of this beauty have been desecrated by multiple layers of gray duct tape, (reconstructive cosmetic surgery) but the title and heraldic emblazonments are still visible. Incredibly, the bindings are still intact. Not a single page has torn loose of its own accord. No globs of Elmer’s glue and no lumps of Scotch tape to distort and otherwise embarrass its appearance. The only technical criticism I have of my friend is that the print has become smaller over the years. Enough rambling. I hope you can provide me with the publishing and printing dates and, if it is applicable, the Library of Congress number assigned to it. I am sure that this book is, and has been, out of print for great number of years. I only hope to locate a used copy of it from whatever source I might find, either on the Web or through the used book store channels. I have no intention of ever discarding my original copy. I do have a granddaughter who shares my passion for reading and writing and I think she has her eye on my friend. I told her she can have Dear Funk when I pass on, but I am not planning on an early departure. Thank you for whatever consideration you can give to my request. Sincerely, ____________________________ P.S. I always called my Mistress, “Dear Funk!” And then, Oblivion! Approximately four weeks later I received a reply from the Funk & Wagnalls Company. It was hand written on a 20-cent post card. In PENCIL! The message read: “WE DON’T SELL DICTIONARIES ANYMORE, JUST ENCYCLOPEDIAS.” I got my “humane” response. I mailed that post card back to F. & W. with my message of two words: “Thank God” | ||
Ray1936 Member Username: Ray1936 Post Number: 2706 Registered: 01-2005 |
Heh, heh, heh! Profound post, Tp. I had a 42-volume encyclopedia on my bookshelves (wasn't F&W, but I can't recall the publisher now) right up until two years ago when we moved into our new home. Since space in the new home was comparatively restricted, I decided to pitch the old encyclopedias, printed c. 1952 and out of date anyway. Besides, with the internet, i never cracked them any more. So into a dumpster they went. Even my trusty World Almanac has to yield to the Internet, although I still pick up a new one every year. | ||
Eriedearie Member Username: Eriedearie Post Number: 773 Registered: 08-2007 |
And Tp does it again! Excellent writing. Thanks for another great story.  | ||
Jams Member Username: Jams Post Number: 7611 Registered: 10-2003 |
Use ebay, some of us dummies will buy anything (for a cheap enough price)! Hell, I'd have bid like maybe $13 bucks to keep them from a landfill. Thanks Tp, another great one. I look forward to another one of your intrigues | ||
Ookpik Member Username: Ookpik Post Number: 380 Registered: 01-2007 |
I thought TP was talking about a boat motor! Anyway, I'm pretty sure this is it: http://tinyurl.com/34ldt5 It can be yours for $7.15! Ookpik | ||
Tponetom Member Username: Tponetom Post Number: 217 Registered: 06-2007 |
Ookpik: Thank you,sincerely, for your research. I will try to buy that particular copy. The title of my copy is: The F. & W. College Standard Dictionary. F. & W. also published "The F. & W. Standard College Dictionary." There is a difference. The original copy of my title was published in 1922. Mine is a 1945 reprint. I have the Library of Congress Call Number and the LCCN Number of it. An absolutely irrelevant Digression: I just flipped my 'mistress' open and got page 158. Three illustrations. "Bronchial Tubes," a "Brontosaurus" and a "Brougham." (def. 2) 1. A close four-wheeled vehicle with front wheels turning short on a pivot. Originally designed for two persons, and was drawn by one or two horses. 2. A motor car modeled after it, accommodating two to four persons and a driver. [<Lord Henry Brougham.] My note: The sketch of said Brougham, (ca. 1915) is enough to excite any avid 'old car' enthusiast. They just don't make them like that anymore! |
